hope
i hate crying. i hate feeling horible i hate feeling completley hopless. i hate whinning. i dont know why im posting this on LJ, im not trying to pry for atention, maybe im just looking for answers. i just feel horible. absolutley horible. my face hurts from crying. this is why i dont want to make myself vulnerable, i feel like an open wound, and n e action i do only makes the would longer to heal. but i cant realy just stop doing and caring. maybe i need to get away, just some time to only myself, no one else, to work out thoughts. but im sure theres no way i can get the finance and freedom to get away long enough to sort out my thoughts. sacrumento was great, but i realy need time to just me.

im not trying to cry for sympathy, i just have problems, i dont want them, and i want to rid my mind of them, so im trying to find a way of doing so.

we all have problems, many people find diferent ways of dealing with them, some just except them as thats how life is and thats how they will live the rest of there life, some dont ever admit to there problems, some say they know they have them and they just want to try and get throught life n e ways, some realize what the problems are specificly and try to solve them, so give up. in n e case everyone has there diferent ways of dealing with them, who's to say n e of them are wrong, i just want to find the best way to be happy, cuz personaly, i dont like to be sad, and cry untill my eyes hurt.

ets just realy hard to solve my problems when i dont even understand the half the time. dosnt mean im gunna give up though, im just feeling a bit lost, thats all.

am i gunna spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to be happy? i mean, thats what life is, our journal of challenges and conflicts, not the goal its self. maybe thats why im driving myself mad over this, trying to figure out what my goal is, and why i cant see et.

i tought myself to never settle for less, but i also dont belive in perfection, so can i ever be happy with what i have? will i always be working toward something that isnt there? i feel like ive set my bar to an infinite level, but at the same time i dont want less. fuck, i dont know.

i also dont want to reach my goals cuz then i wont work harder. if i reach a "goal" then i wont learn more, and i wont grow.

maybe i know how to go abouts doing things, i just dont knwo what things im suposed to go abouts doing.